Interpersonal Relationships: Mexico (LRW)

Many students think that, by the mere act of studying abroad, their language skills and cultural knowledge will improve effortlessly. Like the movement of substances across permeable cell membranes with differing concentration gradients, many believe that the language and practices of their host country will simply seep into their skin and become part of their being.

The Aztec Calendar in Mexico City

To a certain extent, this is somewhat true. It is much easier to learn a new language when you are immersed in it, and much easier to understand cultural differences when you can experience them first hand. However, this knowledge does not come without trying, and most importantly, not without making the conscious effort (together with a healthy dose of curiosity) to learn them.

Never has this been more evident to me than with my interpersonal relationships in Mexico. From the very beginning, I made a conscious effort to avoid forming close friendships with the other international students. Not because they are bad people, or because I didn't enjoy spending time with them, but because I wanted to improve my Spanish, and that honestly wouldn't be possible if I spent my time here speaking with other Americans in English.

Some days, this is a struggle. Obviously, it's much easier to speak English, to read articles online in your native tongue, and to talk with friends from back home on social media than it is to wade through an unfamiliar vocabulary and cultural innuendo. Some days, I just want to join the obvious group of Americans who always seem to be clustered together on campus and bluster about the ridiculousness of Donald Trump, or reminisce about Buffalo Wild Wings. Some days, it's a fight to respond to Mexicans in Spanish who see my evident gringa-ness and automatically address me in English (luckily, this is a fight I always win. If I keep replying in Spanish, most people will automatically switch to the same language. The real test is a mental one: will you have the mental stamina to consciously immerse yourself in another language?).

This struggle is 100% worth it. The family and friendships I have formed here are more valuable to me than anything, not only because of their important personal impact on me, but also because of the significant cultural learning that happens with them every single day. The following is a (brief) summary of what I have learned about interpersonal relations in Mexico from them:

A boat trip in Xochimilco, where most of the trajineras were filled with families

1.) The foundation of all relationships in Mexico starts with the family. Family is everything here, which by itself explains a lot about Mexican culture. Mexico ranks highly in terms of collectivism, which means group work is more common than individual work, and interpersonal relations are more important than personal success. This explains some negative aspects of the culture, like why nepotism is quite rampant here, and also why narcos can easily recruit teenage boys from broken and abusive families- these youth are seeking a community support network just as much as an easy way to earn money. At the same time, the importance of family and working together is also the most beautiful aspect of this society. In my trip to Mexico City last weekend, people on the metro called down the train cars to alert a woman illegally selling wares when the police arrived, and after she left I realized there was a whole community of people who helped and supported each other by selling cheap goods on the streets. I have not ever witnessed this type of support in the United States, where large cities typically have a "fend for yourself" atmosphere, and people do not go out of their way to walk a blind man several blocks down the street.

2.) Kisses and hugs, and extremely tediously long greetings and goodbyes are the norm. After my first few fiestas with my family, it didn't take me long to realize that that when my host mother said "vamanos," she actually meant "I'm going to say 'let's go' about twenty more times before we actually can leave this party, because first we need to walk around and talk to everyone again and say goodbye before we leave." Ok, so don't take that translation literally, but that's what I have come to understand it means. In general, Mexicans love greetings. Even if you see someone five times a day, you should still say hello to them with a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Personally, I love it: this physical contact might be one of the reasons Mexicans interpersonal relations are so close, however sometimes I do get impatient with how tedious the process of saying hello or goodbye can be in large groups.

My friend Dioni and I exploring the city´s museum

3.) I have a friend, who has a friend, who has a brother. When I first got here, I thought making friends would be easy. I signed up for cultural classes and went to the Intercambio (language exchange) meetings in the hopes of making great connections with native Spanish speakers. However, I've come to realize this method doesn't necessarily work as it would in the United States, where joining clubs and meeting people in class is the best way to get to know them. Here, the best way to meet someone is... through someone else. If you have a friend who has a friend and you meet them once for five minutes, they are considered a friend as a well, not just a mutual acquaintance.

4.) Respect your elders. One aspect that colors interpersonal relations is the very clear hierarchy of the "third generation," or senior citizens in Mexico. Elderly people have titles like don and doña, and must be addressed as "usted" and not as "tú," the informal "you." Personally, this is quite hard for me to adjust to, and I catch myself almost accidentally addressing people informally quite frequently. Although I cannot exactly explain how, I think that these titles intrinsically affect interpersonal relationships, making them feel more formal than friendly by calling attention to that hierarchy. 

El Centro at night

5.) Being polite sometimes seems rude. If someone offers you something, you should always refuse the first time (and potentially the second and the third). Saying no is considered polite, which has ironically led to what I perceive as the opposite result: when I was sitting on the bus, I offered my seat to an elderly lady, who refused once, offered my seat to her elderly friend (who refused) and then accepted my invitation after I asked a second time. Later, I asked my Mexican peer what he would have done: he said that he would have stood up and said "sientense," essentially ordering the elderly lady to take his seat. However, what I perceive as very rude is actually polite; by commanding someone to take your chair, you can cut out all the formalities of their first (and potentially second or third) refusal. Unfortunately, this is a battle I always lose: if I'm hungry, and someone offers me food, of course I'm going to say yes! How rude of me. Yet, as I pointed out to my friend, if I spent all my time in Mexico claiming "I just ate" as many Mexicans do to refuse something politely, I would either be very hungry all the time or dead.